


Turtle Tony

by Scoobert0



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Gen, M/M, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, Pure Crack, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-25
Updated: 2013-06-25
Packaged: 2017-12-16 02:52:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/856939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scoobert0/pseuds/Scoobert0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony gets turned into a turtle/tortoise (no one can make up their mind). Based on art by royswordsman.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Turtle Tony

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Royswordsman (RoySwordsman)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoySwordsman/gifts).



> So I came across a [drawing](http://royswordsman.tumblr.com/post/53694788698/hi-i-heard-you-were-having-a-bad-day-so-heres) that royswordsman did the other day. Needless to say, it spoke to my inner crack writer. And it's been forever since I wrote anything cracky, so voila!

“What. The hell. Happened.” Steve demanded, unashamedly using his Captain America voice, as he pinned Clint and Thor with a hard glare from where he stood across the kitchen island from them.

“It wasn’t our fault,” whined Clint, “It was just a normal call, some wannabe ‘villain’ with a robot, the suddenly: Loki.”

“Aye, Captain. My brother appeared after the battle and cast a spell before laughing and vanishing again. At first we did not know what kind of spell it was or who it was meant to effect. It did not take long to discover that the Man of Iron was the target, as you can see,” Thor explained, gesturing to the object they had brought back to the tower with them.

Closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose, Steve inhaled deeply before exhaling and looking down at the object sitting on the counter once again.

It looked exactly like a tortoise shell, only red and gold. Like the Iron Man armor. It wasn’t just an empty shell though. There was black fuzz poking out from where the head would be and flesh colored limbs tucked up like a threatened tortoise’s would be.

“So the unanimous conclusion we’re coming to here, is that Loki turned my boyfriend into a turtle,” he sighed in defeat.

“Yesssssss,” Clint chimed in, a little too brightly. Steve shot him another glare, causing the archer to hunch in on himself slightly.

“So, how do we get him to, uh, come out of his shell? We need to figure out if he’s hurt at all.”

“Try some lettuce, tortoises like lettuce,” Natasha suggested as she strode into the kitchen, taking in the situation with little more than a glance. She went to the fridge and took out a small head of the leafy greens and tossed it towards Steve.

“What about lettuce and tortoises?” Asked Bruce as he entered from the opposite direction.

“Loki apparently turned Tony into a turtle,” Steve answered while he peeled off a leaf of lettuce. He held it in from of where Tony’s hair was sticking out from the shell.

It felt wrong, almost, to refer to him as Tony while he was like this, because this wasn’t really Tony. Not _his_ Tony, at least. But as far as any of them knew, the tortoise actually was Tony. Yet still not the Tony they all adored… Steve had to stop himself from thinking. That whole line of thought was only going to continually circling back on itself.

Maybe it would be best if he just referred to his boyfriend as Turtle Tony until they found a way to turn him back to normal, he told himself silently.

“I highly doubt that will work,” Bruce’s voice cut through his thoughts and brought him back to reality.

“What?” he glanced down and saw that Turtle Tony hadn’t even moved a centimeter.

“He may be a tortoise right now, but he’s still Tony. Have you ever seen Tony voluntarily eat lettuce before?” the doctor elaborated, his eyebrows raised in a ‘you know what I’m saying?’ kind of expression.

Steve frowned down at the lettuce before sighing in defeat. He went and put the lettuce head away in the fridge, eating the leaf in his hand, so as not to waste it. He returned to the island, looking down at Turtle Tony once more.

“So what, do we send someone out to get a hamburger or something then?” Clint asked, only half joking, if the serious look on his face meant anything.

“Maybe,” answered Steve, not knowing what else to try to get Turtle Tony to come out of his shell.

“No, that won’t work. While this is Tony we’re dealing with here, he’s still a tortoise right now. It’s been proven that both tortoises and turtles are more responsive to greens*,” Natasha stated. Bruce muttered something about that being debatable.

“Perhaps we should ask one of friend Tony’s robotic companions to brew one of those strange green beverages he drinks while he is working,” suggested Thor from where he was bent over the countertop, his head resting on top of his folded arms as he watched Turtle Tony.

“That’s not a half bad idea, Thor,” Bruce commented, scratching his chin, “JARVIS, can you have You start-“

“Hold on to that thought,” Clint interrupted, looking far too excited suddenly, “I’ve got an idea, I’ll be right back!” With that, he sprinted out of the kitchen.

Shaking his head, Steve propped an elbow up on the counter and rested his chin in his palm. He sighed deeply and reached towards Turtle Tony with his other hand. Lightly, he stroked his fingers across the top of his shell, admiring the coloration. The underbelly and the most of the top shell were the Hot Rod Red that seemed to be Tony’s favorite color. The edge and the bumps on the top of the shell were patterned with a brilliant gold, that seemed to shine brighter than it ever did on the Iron Man armor. His fingers twitched as the sudden urge to get his sketch book and try and capture Turtle Tony’s stunning coloration him.

Before he could move, Clint burst back into the kitchen, making him jump and pull away.

Clint was holding up a small leather square triumphantly, with a big grin plastered on his face. It took Steve a minute to work out what he was holding.

“Clint, what are you doing with Tony’s wallet?” he asked sternly.

“This,” said the archer as he opened the wallet and pulled out a good sized wad of cash. He spread them out in front of Turtle Tony, revealing that they were all pretty much large bills, mostly hundreds.

“Seriously?” Natasha deadpanned, arms crossed across her chest as she watched Clint with an incredibly judgmental look.

“Shhh, give it a minute,” Clint stage whispered back at her.

Steve followed Bruce’s example and facepalmed. Hard.

“Clint, this isn’t the time to make jokes. We need to-“

“Um, excuse you,” Clint was pointing at Turtle Tony on the counter, “You were saying?”

Ever so slowly, Turtle Tony’s legs were relaxing and creeping down towards the countertop. The call of fuzz at his front got bigger and bigger until his whole head was sticking out for the first time. Turtle Tony raised his head up, revealing his still human face as he squinted up at them all.

“He’s even got a little goatee still!” squealed Clint, his hands clenched shut and pressed to the sides of his face in glee.

“I think I speak for us all in saying that that, is strangely adorable,” Natasha said softly, breaking the silence that had fallen over the room.

Steve could only nod his agreement, his jaw hanging open slightly. His breath caught as Turtle Tony swiveled his head and looked directly at him.

“Tony?” his voice cracked slightly, so he cleared his throat before continuing, “Tony, are you ok? How are you feeling?”

Turtle Tony’s head tilted to the side slightly, his nostrils flaring as he sniffed loudly. His eyes widened dramatically and his head snapped forward. A high pitched grunt escaped him as he used his stubby little legs to push himself close to the money. Reaching the money, he looked extremely pleased and overjoyed as he wiggled back and forth in the middle of the cash pile.

“Ha!” cheered Clint, jabbing a finger at them all, “Who’s the genius who figured out how to get Tony of his shell? Oh that’s right, that’d be me. I win!”

While Clint was declaring his victory, Steve thought he could hear the whine of a repulsor amping up. A moment later, Turtle Tony gave a squawking ‘Wahahhhhh!!!’ as he was launched up and backwards as a repulsor ray shot out of his chest, blasting most of the money beneath him to shreds. Turtle Tony landed on his back a few feet away with a rattle, his head and limbs tucked back into his shell.

Everyone stared in shock. It wasn’t until after Turtle Tony unfurled his legs and poked his head out again and started mewling and flailing about on his back trying to turn himself over, that any of them thought to move. Steve reached over and carefully picked the little tortoise up. He took a second to confirm that there actually an Arc reactor embedded in his chest still and quickly examined it for damage. Satisfied that everything was as ok as it could be, he gently set Turtle Tony down, right side up.

The team sat quietly, just watching Turtle Tony, who did nothing more than just sit there. Finally, Bruce spoke up.

“Well, that was weird,” was all he said.

“What do you think set it off?” questioned Natasha.

“Not a clue. Maybe strong emotion? I can’t really give you an answer, seeing as I know next to nothing about how the Arc reactor works,” Bruce admitted.

“We’ll think about that later. For now, let’s focus on getting Tony back to normal,” Steve said, bringing the Avengers to attention. It was time for a plan, “Thor, can you ask your parents if they can reverse whatever spell did this? And if they say no, we’re going to need you to hunt down Loki and convince him to undo it.”

“Very well, Captain. I shall leave immediately,” Thor boomed, picking Mjolnir up from the floor and heading for the roof.

“What about the rest of us, what are we gonna do?” Clint asked, and it was a very valid question.

“Guess we’re on tortoise-sitting duty until Tony gets changed back. Someone is going to have to stay with him if we get called to assemble though. We’ll have to work out a system.”

“Or we could just ask Pepper to watch him,” Natasha suggested.

“No! We are not involving anyone outside of the team unless it is absolutely necessary,” Steve nearly shouted.

“It was just a suggestion. Pepper’s been taking care of him pretty much his entire adult life, I don’t see why we can’t ask her to keep an eye on him when we have to go out and fight.”

“Remember that time he got turned into a cat?” prompted Steve, giving Natasha an exasperated look.

“And she told us that if he ever got turned into an animal again, she was going to take him to a shelter and leave him there.”

“Exactly. He may be a turtle, but he’s still my boyfriend.”

“To be fair, last time something like this happened, he could still talk. And being stuck with a talking cat Tony all day would be more than enough to drive anyone to make such threats,” Clint pointed out.

“I’ll think about it,” Steve growled, reaching down and carefully picking Turtle Tony up, “I’m going to go figure out some place to put Tony now.”

Exiting the kitchen, he headed down the hall towards his and Tony’s room. He felt a slight tug on the front of his shirt as he walked and glanced down. Turtle Tony had a mouthful of his shirt and looked like he was trying to eat it. When he noticed he was being watched, he let go and looked up at Steve again.

Smiling, Steve shook his head and sighed for the millionth time that day, “What are we going to do with you?”

**Author's Note:**

> * I totally made up that turtle/tortoise like green fact, because I'm a writer and can make shit up if I want to.


End file.
